Asking for forgiveness.

Gabino told me that in one of the times he saw my mom, he asked her for forgiveness for anything he may have done.

I won't be doing that. I deserve whatever torment I may be in for whatever I may have done. I won't ask for forgiveness to soothe my soul but, I will apologize. I will say I'm sorry for any and all pain I may have given her.

Her dialysis dr says basically one step forward, two steps back. Now she has an infection. They took all lines out to get cultures to pinpoint where its coming from. And they changed the central line and the catherer is now in her thigh. Belinda had mentioned that she was told by someone that after 2 weeks, they put a trach in place of the breathing tube. Dr. says depends on situation.

I got to figure out one thing she was trying to say. She had her hand like scratching something and after naming all body types, I got to head and she nodded yes. Yay!!

I told my mom that Joanna drew a picture for her and she made a grimace. I asked her if she was crying and she nodded yes.

Joanna got to see her afterwards. She had drawn a picture for her and bought her a "nana angel" pin and I did want her to see that we gave them to Nana. Belinda had to point out another kid that was allowed to go back there, so they said Joanna could too. I think Joanna finally realized how real this is and she cried tears later for her Nana.

One of the things that make me so sad is she says she sees me but, her gaze is straight on. I don't get that. And she doesn't close her eyes all the way...

Oh my momma, I love you so much. Please come back to us.

God, please listen to me?

Causes of low blood pressure due to heart disease

Weakened heart muscle can cause the heart to fail and reduce the amount of blood it pumps. One common cause of weakened heart muscle is the death of a large portion of the heart's muscle due to a single, large heart attack or repeated smaller heart attacks.

What she was so proud of, is hurting her. One thing that was always normal for her was her blood pressure. She was quick to point it out to the drs.

And now she needs medicine to keep it up.

I need my momma. I want to hear her again. I want to make eggs for her!! I want to hear her cuss out the Cowboys (Romo). I want to play poker and hear her whine that she's losing as she puts another ante in because she is the gambler in all three of us. I want to take her to the Grand Canyon she wants to see even with her fear of heights.

But, if she's hurting, then, God knows what is better for her even if I don't agree with it.

I need my momma, I want my momma. Please, God?

With my own eyes

I saw she's not ready to have her blood pressure meds decreased. It was 65/38 when I walked in. The nurse replaced the empty bag and right away her bp rose. In 3min it went to 128/50. Sigh.

Scruff is in town.

Gabriel made it in last night from Georgia. I can't believe Michael is taller than him!

Just saw the cardiologist. All he said is she was SLOWLY getting better. The pulmonaryist (sp?) said her heart was so borderline. Barely pumping.

When I'm at home, I find myself making mental notes to tell my mom some chisme. Habit! That i want to keep.

Joanna wants to see her but, the nurse said no. :(

It could of been us they were talking to...

but, it was another family in here. Dr. was explaining that the patient had very little hope and would probably not be here in the next 30 min. It could of been us.

I left at 4:30am and got up late to take Joanna to school. Miranda was already up here. Belinda saw the Dr. and he says there is hope. Her lungs look much better. It all depends on her heart, depends on how strong it will be....

They're going to start weaning her off the blood pressure medicine.

I went in there to see her and she flexed her fingers. My favorite nurse said she could hear me because her pressure was low and when I was talking to momma, it was raising to a normal level.

I guess that means she heard my promise to make her eggs everyday without groaning. I will be more than happy to fulfill that promise forever. Forever.

Perspectives.

My mom had another heart attack. Stubborn, stubborn woman. Fluid build up makes the heart pump faster and overworked its already weak self.

She had dialysis and I'm heading back to the hospital now.

She won't be missing any days anymore. That's for damn sure.


She's on a breathing machine. She has asked for DNR but, changed her mind when she was having trouble breathing. But, she told them that if it lasts for more than a month, take her off.

no fucking way.

He has a big thingy...

So, we're watching Mamma Mia for the millioneth time and its at the part where they sing "Lay All Your Love on Me" when.......

Joanna, "He has a big thingy."

Mouth hanging open, "What big thingy?"

Showing the guy from the chest up, she says, "Hold on, they'll show it."

I'm swallowing hard and they show him full body.

"There, that thingy...its bad that he's smoking that."

Sighing with relief as I see the cigar in the guy's hand, "Oh yeah, that is bad."

I just aged and grew some grey hairs. :O

Oops, we did it again!

We made it! 11 years ago at 2:15pm, we said "I do." What we do, that's another story and probably not was meant to do.

But, we have made it. And we're panting like we ran a freaking marathon. But, we've both said that its not over and I guess that's good. :)

Happy New Year!

It is also Victoria's birthday. She's turned 14! She is Michael's little sister.



The way our little sister visited us...by phone.





Joanna's favorite cousin...well, a tie between her and Nathalie!





A rare photo of Victoria smiling. :)




And...my family. Gabino, Joanna and I wish you all a very happy new year. Que Dios los bendiga a todos!