Starting again

My friend took me to the clinic she works at last night. I haven't been feeling well. I felt my sugar must be sky high.

We had just come back from shopping when she arrived to take me. I told Joanna I was going to the doctor for medicine and she was to stay with her daddy. She totally freaked out. Ruby told me to take her with me, so I did.

While there, they stuck me and then drew blood. I asked Joanna if she wanted to look or turn away. Almost devilish grin, she wanted to look. Which is better because she's so scared of everything. Later she told me that she was scared because she thought I was going to be in the hospital. I guess her Nana is on her mind.

Dr. said sugar high, gave me pills and advice. I already know all that but, how do I get it in my brain to care? How can I be so selfish when I have Joanna? What kind of kick in the ass do I need?

So today I took my pills. I made tea with Splenda. I glanced at the cake I made but didn't get a piece. I ate breakfast. Later in the evening, we will walk Harley together. I am going to try. Again. I love my daughter. I want to be with her forever.

A memorable Memorial Day.

Whew.

We are finally alone with our messy house. I love me some family but, its nice to be alone with your own.

My one true love.

A sign?

I've been feeling so guilty. I have been feeling like I'm leaving my mom behind. This new place has no memories of her. They're in my head but that doesn't help.

We finally finished moving everything last night. Her room was so white. I could see in the carpet her path. I could see where she had her feet everyday by the computer.

As I was on the floor packing and crying, I got to a notebook she wrote poems in. Dated 1987. The very first page was a poem called "To Daniela" It was the twist to my heart. But, do I take it as a sign that she is happy for me or as a sign that she thinks I will forget her? The last line is telling me not to forget her. I never will, that is for sure.

Yes, I am depressed. Its so hard to get out of it. The guilt is killing me even though I know there is nothing I can do now. I have so many regrets as to how I dealt with things.

We are going on a road trip tonight. Groom, TX. Where there is a 180' cross surrounded by life sized statues of the trial of Jesus. She had written us three suggesting that we take that trip. I usually save her emails but, I can't find this one. So we are going in honor of her for her birthday. She will be accompanying us too. I never thought this would happen and I still don't understand how to live through it.

Happy Birthday Momma!

I love you.

Hi Momma

When my Mom had a seizure a couple of years ago, she had been hallucinating. She said she could see people. She didn't know them but she was afraid. I tried to tell her to just ask what they wanted. She then went to the hospital because we knew something was wrong with her and shortly after arriving, she had a seizure. They said it was due to a UTI. Afterwards she never mentioned seeing anyone.

My sister, about 3 weeks after Momma died, said she was tossing and turning in bed when she saw a shadow and heard Momma tell her in Spanish to settle down. She said she did but couldn't sleep.

Then I woke up the other day at 6am. What woke me is Momma saying my name. I wasn't dreaming that I know of. I heard her clearly say "Daniela" and I awoke saying "What?" I looked over at hubby and Joanna but, they were both asleep. I didn't feel sad or anything, just wide awake which, anyone that knows me, knows I am hard to get going in the morning.

Then Sabrina tells us she saw a shadow. She took a picture with her cell. My sister posted it on the family website along with a picture of my mom for comparison. My mom always tilted to the right when she sat in her wheelchair.

Sabrina was afraid but I told her Momma was just visiting. She's going through some things that I'm sure Momma has a few words to say about. I hope she gets the message.

Here is the picture along with Momma.

I believe in ghosts. Hi Momma.

Win for a nice friend.

Sammy is a former workmate of hubby's. He transferred to a location closer to his home. Well, he has been such a good friend to hubby. He helped us tremendously when my Mom died and again with the house situation. Yes, financially but, he had no reason to help other than hubby is his friend.

Well, I entered this giveaway at http://theurbanmusicscene.com/ with him in mind. He loves to play the guitar. Well, I won and its autographed. I really hope he likes it. A small, small thank you for his help.

Ha! It worked!

I twittered that it was a new week and I was going to try a new attitude. Minutes later, I get an email that we have the clear to close and will be signing, this Thursday, the paperwork for our new home.

Maybe there is something to be said for this positive thinking. Something new to keep trying out. :-P

What a hug can do.

My mom was not a hugger until she had her first grandchild. Those grandchildren got so much affection from her. I didn't even think to be jealous because I knew she loved us. She just didn't hug us. Later the grandchildren became non huggers. And I've always been uncomfortable at it.

Well, lately Joanna has been having some meltdowns. The other day she was in hysterics because she didn't want to go to school. As usual, I went about it the wrong way and got angry with her. She was hysterical! She had her head back and was wobbling about to drop herself. I finally took her in my arms and hugged her. She IMMEDIATELY calmed down. I was amazed. A hug.

Today for the first time I let her go outside with the other girls without us out there too. A little girl came asking if she could play. It was hard but we said Ok. Of course I opened the blinds!! :)

She came running in crying like crazy. Apparently a little girl elbowed her in the mouth by accident but Joanna was hurting. After getting the story out of her between gasps, I hugged her. She calmed down. It felt so beautiful that a hug from me could do that. It made me teary. I love her so much and I try to break out of what I am used to. I thank God everyday for her. And if I could, I'd hug him.

Please help a friend win a Cube!

http://www.hypercube.ca/en/Canvas.aspx?id=85445311-fcdb-4d58-87cf-f0496b19eb30&lang=en

Easy to register and vote. Lori is so creative and out of more than 7,000 entries, she got picked as one of 500 finalists.

Please vote for her entry.

She could be one of the first 50 people in Canada to own a Nissan Cube!

When we move.

We haven't gotten the clear to close yet. So frustrating.

But I will be sad once we move. This apartment will forever be thought of as where my Mom last lived. I will hate to see anyone else live here. And heaven forbid they ever raze these apts! It will be like her dying again.

I know we have our memories and stories for her to live on but, I am a visual person. I have to see the place or person.

My heart jumps when I get mail addressed to her. I see commercials for things that make me say out loud "Ohh, I gotta tell Momma!"

Or like yesterday at my cousin's. An Uncle of hers made menudo Momma would have loved! It was all I could think of.

Today I got a call confirming an appointment from her neurologist. I have to tell someone again, she died. And it hurts all over again.

I miss her so much. So damn much.

Happy Easter!

Happy 6th Birthday to my Joanna!

A little late....

Since we are days from closing on our house, we decided to do a combo party for hubby, Joanna and home afterwards.

So Sunday was Joanna's day and first we went to buy her Easter dress. She's still a frou frou girl and it was pink with a slouch sweater. Wide white headband and white patent leather shoes. OMG, she's cute. So, we had her birthday pictures made. Then she was asked where did she want to eat breakfast. She said the place with the blue sign with a p where we took Nana and Victoria. IHOP, aha.....

After breakfast we took her to Target to buy something with birthday money she received. She picked a bathroom set complete with toilet for her Barbies. Sigh.

Then we went to the movies but she didn't care for Marley & Me and we left halfway through.

Home to take a nap.......at least us old folks took a nap. And OMG, she actually asked to go to the mall. WTF?

So, we did and bought cookies at The Great American Cookie Co. Walked around, went into a furniture store sitting on couches....

Then home for her to play with her Barbies.

It was a nice day.

Happy Birthday Old Man!

It's hubby's birthday. 41 years young. He had tears in his eyes at midnight. He haaaaaaaaaaaates getting old. I told him that at least he is still alive. Shut his self pity party right up.

:P

Kindergarten Zoo

Joanna had a school program yesterday. She's so dang shy it was great to see her participate.

Apples with ketchup.

I almost gagged when Joanna told me she likes apples with ketchup. But then I remembered my likes. McDonald's chicken nuggets dipped in their hot fudge sundae. Big Breakfast with bbq sauce. Beans with mayo on a bolillo. Yummy! I might try apples and ketchup. :)

Amazing weekend of saving at Kroger and Albertsons.

Albertsons has the Nestle Flavored Milk for $1 and its free with my coupons. I heard you can freeze them but the couple I have frozen swelled up on the bottom. I am defrosting one right now to see how it comes out.

Thanks for coupons found at 7-11, we've been getting Powerade for .12 each. This Sunday had coupons for Mahatma rice, .15 for a pound at Kroger after doubling! I love rice! Toaster strudel for .44, Monster energy drinks for .49! These are at least $2 on sale! I don't have a coupon for this but well worth .49 is the Nestle Frozen Lemonade. OMG, I love those!

Its been a plentiful weekend. Our cupboards are full, thank God.

Joanna's first buy on her own.

Joanna told me of the book fair at her school. I had no idea she took her own money to school. When I picked her up, she proudly showed me her receipt. She was so excited at the thought that the book was hers forever and ever. :)

Weekend of untying those ties that binds you.

Saturday we had a garage sale at Gabino's friend and it went ok. It was windy with looks of rain but, the the temperature was nice.

We were supposed to meet up with a loan officer but, he called in sick as we were arriving home. So, before we got in the door with the stuff, we set up outside and sold to the neighbors. Yay! They were asking for our number so they can keep buying after we leave. :)

At 11pm I went to Belinda's to join them in a night run of getting Garnier at Walgreens. Free shampoo! We were out to near 6am. In Belinda's gas hog but she said she didn't use that much gas for the huge Dallas circle we made.

Sunday was my turn to host our monthly family dinner. I made pork chops with biscuits on top. One of my Momma's all time favorite dish. I'm sure she's eating it everyday up in Heaven!
Dinner was always 1pm but I was going to ask the loan officer if we could move it to 6pm. I didn't get ahold of him until 2:30 and he was happy because he was still sick and we postponed it for Monday. But by then one of my sisters had already said they weren't coming because it was just to come and eat. I didn't call her back because I was actually sick to my stomach about her cancellation. It was also exactly one month that my mom passed and she was here too. And any small effort would have been appreciated. But, oh well, everyone has their priorities. Gas was not a problem before for shampoo.

My extremely pregnant cousin showed up with my Tia J. After Miranda left because of Sabrina's curfew, they stayed and fajita'd. We sat outside but came inside to eat. One of her little girls is a mini Dora the Explorer and would walk off every minute. We were all too FAT to be after her every minute! :D

So, if this post breaks those family ties, so be it. Every event is the same, all hyped up and last minute cancellations. I don't care anymore. If my momma's passing showed me anything it is that life is too dang short to put up with things that upset you. Cut it and leave it behind. I'm glad she had fun anyway. I received an email about Easter but I'm not even going to answer that one. It really is no point because it will be cancelled last minute just like last year. I've already made plans with my cousin.

Finally something good to post.

Just logged onto T-Mobile and saw an offer to join their Loyalty Plan. $10 bucks less than what we are paying and unlimited minutes for our two lines. Yay!

Also, I used to enter contests and sweepstakes before I got hooked on coupons. Last week I received an email that a referral won on Blingo so, I did too. Choice between a Dell pc with a 22" monitor or $750 cash. Chose cash, of course! Then out of the blue, I received a Troy Aikman authentic jersey in the mail courtesy of Miller Lite Dallas Cowboys Suite Sweepstakes. And today, I received an email that I won a $100 gc to Zutano.com. Only problem is their clothes go to 4t and Joanna is a 5/6t. I guess I will sell that.

Other news is that Beli got a job, thank God. Miranda will be in Orlando for some conference with MK in a beautiful hotel. Lucky her!

Sunday the 8th, its my turn to host Family Dinner. I totally blanked that it will be one month that my Momma passed. I told Miranda to be sure to bring her. God, I miss her.

Another punch in the gut!

Gabino just came in with a letter offering a voluntary separation package. We just put a freaking offer on a house. OMFG

Letter says there will later be involuntary reductions.

I am going to be sick.