Joanna's biomother (SIL) left a very lasting memory that was recreated by Joanna yesterday. It hurt too.
We were in Mexico and at a party. MIL and SIL did not really get along even though MIL did everything for her. I remember the shock when MIL asked for a drink from SIL's coke. SIL did the most ugliest face and thrust it at her. It might be a little thing but it really threw me.
Well, Joanna did it to me yesterday. I had a glass of tea and she always wants what I have. She asked me what was it, I answered tea and she asked for a drink. So she took a sip. So I asked for a sip of her Mountain Dew. She made a face and gave me her cup. I took a sip. She then told me she didn't want it anymore. I asked her why? She said because I drank out of it. My mind zoomed to that day in Mexico. I was so hurt. I got angry with her (wrong, I know) and told her to go to her room. I went in after her and asked her why? She's only 4, she can't explain it but I was confused. I told her it was not a nice thing and it made me feel bad. She then asked if she gave me some of her drink, would she be a good girl. I told her that she didn't have to give me anything but if she didn't want to share why is she asking for a drink of mine?
Such a little thing. I should let it roll off my back but I guess my self confidence took a hit thinking she didn't like me. Is it like this for other adoptive mothers? Always thinking we have to do better in order to be liked? That no matter how much you love and give, it might not be enough?
OUR WEDDING!!
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Well it's been awhile since I've blogged about anything...and trust me sooo
much has been going on...Mario started High school, Nathalie is off at
colleg...
14 years ago
5 comments:
I have no doubt that she loves you with heart and soul, Now she is in school she could be learning such behavior as well. Small children have incredible perception at times, if she saw your SIL doing that she could just be coping trying to be a "Big Girl"
~Monk~
Thanks Monk. Joanna was a year old when this happened in Mexico. Its weird how the memory of SIL's face stayed with me, tho. :)
Daniela, I was adopted. And at that age, my mom was my mom. I didn't even know I was adopted until I was 7. I know in my childhood years, I may have hurt my mother a few times about all that. At 1o, I ran away from home. Both my brother and I did. He was adopted too. We only went to a bush a few blocks away and were gonna camp over night. But we left a nasty note that said "You are not our real mother so we don't have to listen to you".
There were a couple other little things like that. At the time, as a kid, we really didn't think it was an awful thing to do.
When I wanted to search for my biological family when I turned 18, my mom helped me as much as she could. I didnt find anything until I was 28. But she has also met many of my siblings. They thought it weird, as many of their adoptive parents were against it. My one sister said her mom was very hurt when she did a search. But mine wasn't. She knew I had to know some things.
But now... I think of my adoptive mom as my "real" mom, and the one who gave birth to me, just as a lady who gave birth to me. Nothing more. My adoptive mom is the one who raised me, fed me, cared for me etc.
You don't have to try harder to prove you are a mom to Joanna. She will know you are her mom now. Just raise and care for her as you would a biological child. You don;t have to be blood related to be a good mom.
I have seen some adoptive parents use the "You're not really mine, blah blah blah" and this can be hurtful to the child. So don't ever use that liine.. even when Joanna hits her teen years and acts out. She may make you angry, or stressed, just like any teenager. But dont ever ever use that line....
You're doing a good job Daniela! :)
igg
I don't feel that Joanna is not mine so I don't think that I would ever say that. It is harder to forget because she is from hubby's sister so all her aunts and uncles look to me like they are ready to pounce.....but that's just me.
That note you wrote is my total fear, that she will tell me the same exact thing. Just gotta hope for the best. :)
I think we all do it (us adopted ones) at one time or another out of spite when we are angry with our parents. Non adopted kids don;t have that option. Instead they said "I wish you weren't my mother. Its normal for all kids to do it once when they don't get their own way. They don't mean it tho. Lots of people say things they don't mean when they are angry.
Don't worry about the family. Do the best you can. They are not doing the day to day stuff with Joanna. They are not the parent. You are.
The way you talk about her all the time and post pictures and such. We can all see you are doing a great job.
Stop fretting. All parents make little mistakes as they go with their kids - biological or not. No one is perfect. You are growing together.
igg
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