Its that time for baking and getting together more than usual. I love it. And I hate it. For obvious reasons this year.
I was worried about what family would think about my having my mom's wheelchair at the head of the table this year. I discovered that it doesn't matter what they think about this. I want her there. As I said before, memories are not enough for me. I need visual. So, her wheelchair will make me feel better a bit.
Today Joanna and I made spice cupcakes. They came out pretty good! I also invited her cousin to spend the night with her. Joanna's in heaven right now. :)
Edited to add that its not that I don't care what my sisters think. They know her chair will be there with us. :)
When I was a kid, I was not social..something that I still am not. I was a reader and I liked being left alone. My sisters would do cartwheels, flip upside down on the jungle gym and were very active. Then at 10, my life changed and there was no hope for a normal childhood.
So, as an adult, I still like being left alone. I thought it would change when Joanna came into my life. I wanted things different for her. Happy childhood, in the now toys, activities, road trips, friends. But I had forgotten who I am. I spent 2 years in Mexico during her adoption. We spent the most part of the day alone. And while I missed my family, I was content to be alone with her. And she seemed happy.
Then school started and she was so shy. I blamed it on not having anyone for her to play with while in Mx. Living here, I didn't interact with anyone either. We'd go to the park and outings but, always with family or by ourselves. And I thought she was happy.
So fast forward to today. We were at my sister's and she asked if she could spend the night. I told her no because her cousins would not be there. In the car, she asked if she could spend the night at another cousin's. I said no because it was going to be a hassle picking her up the next day. She then said, "My dad doesn't play with me, you don't play with me." I replied, "that hurts my feelings." She yelled at me "Well that hurts my feelings too!" OMG, it tore me apart. I was so shocked. I I I I...and that is my problem. Too many I's that I didn't even think she was lacking anything. She was so right. "Not right now" was like a staple in my everyday vocabulary to Joanna. Tears just sprung out like they are now thinking about it again. All I could do was apologize. I called her aunt and asked if she could spend the night. She said of course, her niece was very welcome. Joanna was still sniffly. She said she didn't have any friends. I said yes she did but we didn't know them well yet. When we left she was smiling again.
On the way home, hubby didn't really get what had happened and asked what had gone on. He had been driving while on the phone. So, I repeated what she said and he busted out in tears. And we talked and both vowed it was going to be different for our little girl.
Later while running an errand, I called her to see how she was and stupidly asked if she thought I was a bad mother. She started sniffling and said yes. Another stab in the heart. I apologized again and she said her dad was bad too. And I apologized again and she said that's ok. I told her no, its not for her to be crying. She then said I was only a little bit bad.
When we were adopting her, we were sure it would be a better life for her than staying in Mexico. And I was so wrong. She ended up with two self-absored parents who have to be slapped in the face to get a clue.
It's so hard to change who you are. It will not be easy but I know that just hearing her yell at me in my head should give me the kick in the ass I need. I like to think I'm a realist. All I can say is that I'm going to try. I've tried other things that I never complete but, this is the person most precious to me in this whole world. And as a summary of this post.....I suck.