Thursday, May 28, 2009

Starting again

My friend took me to the clinic she works at last night. I haven't been feeling well. I felt my sugar must be sky high.

We had just come back from shopping when she arrived to take me. I told Joanna I was going to the doctor for medicine and she was to stay with her daddy. She totally freaked out. Ruby told me to take her with me, so I did.

While there, they stuck me and then drew blood. I asked Joanna if she wanted to look or turn away. Almost devilish grin, she wanted to look. Which is better because she's so scared of everything. Later she told me that she was scared because she thought I was going to be in the hospital. I guess her Nana is on her mind.

Dr. said sugar high, gave me pills and advice. I already know all that but, how do I get it in my brain to care? How can I be so selfish when I have Joanna? What kind of kick in the ass do I need?

So today I took my pills. I made tea with Splenda. I glanced at the cake I made but didn't get a piece. I ate breakfast. Later in the evening, we will walk Harley together. I am going to try. Again. I love my daughter. I want to be with her forever.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A memorable Memorial Day.


We are finally alone with our messy house. I love me some family but, its nice to be alone with your own.

Friday, May 1, 2009

A sign?

I've been feeling so guilty. I have been feeling like I'm leaving my mom behind. This new place has no memories of her. They're in my head but that doesn't help.

We finally finished moving everything last night. Her room was so white. I could see in the carpet her path. I could see where she had her feet everyday by the computer.

As I was on the floor packing and crying, I got to a notebook she wrote poems in. Dated 1987. The very first page was a poem called "To Daniela" It was the twist to my heart. But, do I take it as a sign that she is happy for me or as a sign that she thinks I will forget her? The last line is telling me not to forget her. I never will, that is for sure.

Yes, I am depressed. Its so hard to get out of it. The guilt is killing me even though I know there is nothing I can do now. I have so many regrets as to how I dealt with things.

We are going on a road trip tonight. Groom, TX. Where there is a 180' cross surrounded by life sized statues of the trial of Jesus. She had written us three suggesting that we take that trip. I usually save her emails but, I can't find this one. So we are going in honor of her for her birthday. She will be accompanying us too. I never thought this would happen and I still don't understand how to live through it.