Thursday, October 8, 2009

I wish I could stop counting the days...

When we decided to take Momma off the machines. I didn't feel anything. When we gathered around her, it was unreal. I didn't feel anything. Until I heard my sister scream and then, I just lost it. It was real. I totally expected my mom's heart to beat on its own. I totally expected her to breathe on her own and be ok. My mom had been so strong all this time. It was the worst wake up call ever. My mom was gone.

Its been 8 months today. I think about her everyday. And I'm counting them down til the 8th of every month. I don't cry as much, maybe only once a day.

I asked Sabrina if the kids talk about her? She sounded surprised I asked. She said yes, especially Michael. She said that they talk about how Nana told them stories of when she was in school and such. It made my heart jump with happiness. I know Michael was really close to her even through our trials and tribulations with him. He's got her big heart.

My thing is what I could have done? You are not suppose to live with regret but, I do. Big ones. Big big ones. My biggest one is not telling her just how much she is loved by all of us. Yeah, you could say she knew but saying it to her....I'm sorry Momma. I love you so much.


Nia said...

You know Daniela it's ok to count the days. It's all part of your grieving process. But instead of counting the days when her heart stopped try switching it to counting the day of the month when she was born. I know that you all were always celebrating her birthday in a big way and on those days her face was all aglow with a big smile and lots of pride in her children. Count that day and you won't cry as much.

Oh I'm not saying you should forget the day she passed away. I can tell you to the minute what I was doing when I got the call that they were taking my dad to ICU and I remember hearing his voice in the background telling the doctor ot tell me not to worry, he was gonna be ok and everything was fine. He told him tell her not to be scared and that daddy loves her. I was the one who told the doctors to stop the CPR and to just let him go. Can you imagine all of the what if's that I went through after that. What if I had let them continue? What if I had been there with him when they took him to ICU? What if, what if, what if? But that is where my faith has really helped me. I remember that my dad told us once that God said, you will not remain on this earth not one miniscule second longer than you're supposed to. So you see, now matter what we had done, if it was time for them to go home because their mission here on earth was complete, they were going home. That's why say it now and you won't regret it later. Tell your husband, your daughter, your sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. Tell them all you love them now so later you won't wonder if they knew. And remember just because we love them doesn't mean we have to like everything they do.
Love from your cousin, Juanita.

Daniela6968 said...

Thank you Juanita, for sharing. I've always been a type of person that asks "Why?" and its annoyed some but, I never think I already know. I like to hear it. And this "Why?", its hard to get an answer. The days before, I asked Momma for forgiveness and she squeezed my hand so hard but, self-forgiveness with a guilty conscience is impossible. Maybe one day I'll get help. Mostly in understanding "Why?"

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Emmet Murillo said...

Welcome to the online exhibit of the Moody Medical Library's collection of historical microscopes. Three Centuries of Microscopes and Cell Biology. it was kinda surreal being in a warehouse piles with probably millions of dollars of scopes and parts.