Another punch in the gut!

Gabino just came in with a letter offering a voluntary separation package. We just put a freaking offer on a house. OMFG

Letter says there will later be involuntary reductions.

I am going to be sick.

Self Pity Party

Not a good day today. It started with my Aunt J calling last night. She busted out which made me bust out and today's been really emotional.

We were house hunting before Momma got sick. Every house we looked at, we'd say where a ramp would go and which would be Momma's room. And now....

I was driving down the street writing down addresses and got so damn sad. I'm supposed to be grateful that she's not suffering anymore and is with Ama and Apa. Surrounded by love and light. Supposed to be.

Last night Joanna said that if she is crying and I didn't yell at her, its because she's crying for her Nana. :( She's such a good girl. Thankfully, other than that statement, she's a happy girl. Her chongos and hugs make it a little better for me.

Thank you God for Joanna.

Alone

Yesterday was the first time I've been alone since my momma passed. Joanna went to school and Gabino went back to work. I slept the day away. I guess I didn't want to face it. I only got up in time to pick Joanna up from school.

I go into my mom's room and sigh. I have no desire whatsoever to touch or move anything. Her half drunk Diet Coke is still sitting there. Oh God.

I just want to go to sleep.

I think Joanna is the only thing keeping me from cracking.

Come to Me

Come To Me
by: Unknown

God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you
and whispered, "Come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
and although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
he only takes the best.

April 29, 1945 - February 8, 2009

She was born on a Sunday...

so she will rest on a Sunday. We've decided to take everything off. If God is listening to me, she will wake up and cuss us out for having her sleep for so long. If God is listening to me, he will give us more time with her. And if God decides otherwise, he will help me understand it all and help me from going crazy.

I find myself still feeling all this is unreal. Its not happening. I see her in the hosptital bed and not feel her leaving us. You can't see anything from the outside. This tube will just come out and she'll be ok. And then I leave her and I remember something about her or see her face in my mind and I start crying.

As ugly as it sounds, this would be easier if she were brain dead. But, she's not. The nurse explained to us what is/will happen. They will take off the IVs, the breathing tube and give her lots of morphine to keep her comfortable. Depending on how fast her pressure keeps up, it will take 1-2hrs for her to pass. The pressure will lower, her heart will slow down til it stops. I just might snap when it does. I say this now because, I really don't know how I will survive this. I know the world goes on and other people have experienced this but, how in the hell does a person live without their momma? HOW???????????

God help us all. God help me.

I'm in denial

I'm sitting here at my mom's computer and not feeling anything. She's coming back. She's getting better.

But that is not the case. Her dr is going to meet with us tomorrow at 1pm. We are going to ask him what is going to happen. Today he tells me that she's got more fluid in her lungs and are going to try to pull it out. I asked him if they took the tube out, what will happen. He said she will die. And because she told him she only wanted 30 days on it, he says they will give her morphine so she will not feel anything. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. I just want to know if this is something that will be slow or is it pointless?

When I went to see her, she was the most awake I've seen her. I asked her if she could hear me and when she nodded yes, I busted out in tears. I was so happy to see her respond. I think the weekend nurses suck. She was doped the whole weekend and it was hard to see her with her eyes open and just there.

I had to leave early because Joanna didn't go to school today. She's running a fever and even though her father is off today, he's useless. TO BE TOTALLY HONEST.

Last night I was going to the store and I imagined my mom sitting next to me in the van and I busted out. I regret so much. So damn much.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who met my mom loves her sense of wicked humor, her online buddies would call for advice or jokes. Belinda has kept in touch with them and they've written prayers for my mom. We need her here. Please, Dios, oye me. Por favor no te la lleves de nosotros. La necitamos tanto. Tanto tanto tanto.