Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm in denial

I'm sitting here at my mom's computer and not feeling anything. She's coming back. She's getting better.

But that is not the case. Her dr is going to meet with us tomorrow at 1pm. We are going to ask him what is going to happen. Today he tells me that she's got more fluid in her lungs and are going to try to pull it out. I asked him if they took the tube out, what will happen. He said she will die. And because she told him she only wanted 30 days on it, he says they will give her morphine so she will not feel anything. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. I just want to know if this is something that will be slow or is it pointless?

When I went to see her, she was the most awake I've seen her. I asked her if she could hear me and when she nodded yes, I busted out in tears. I was so happy to see her respond. I think the weekend nurses suck. She was doped the whole weekend and it was hard to see her with her eyes open and just there.

I had to leave early because Joanna didn't go to school today. She's running a fever and even though her father is off today, he's useless. TO BE TOTALLY HONEST.

Last night I was going to the store and I imagined my mom sitting next to me in the van and I busted out. I regret so much. So damn much.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who met my mom loves her sense of wicked humor, her online buddies would call for advice or jokes. Belinda has kept in touch with them and they've written prayers for my mom. We need her here. Please, Dios, oye me. Por favor no te la lleves de nosotros. La necitamos tanto. Tanto tanto tanto.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Daniela.I have a vision of a group of children playing in the snow, one is very cold and wet, her Grandfather is calling her inside were it is warm and dry.
But I still pray that she can be here with you in this world! Take care!

Anonymous said...

I just read your sisters post Daniela. My heart goes out to you. Be strong.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Daniela....