Sweeper in the making?

My beautiful baby won tickets to the Jan.3rd Dallas Cowboys game. Yay!!

Scared crapless right now.

Hubby worked the cowboy game and my sis came over to watch the end of it. Afterwards, I invited them to go out and get ice cream. When we came back we saw police at a neighbor's home. She dropped Joanna and me off then called me. She stopped and asked the police what was going on. They were looking for someone.

I got a little scared and we stayed in our living room til we got ready for bed. I got an email from the neighborhood lady who welcomes the new residents. She said the the couple had arrived from church and the man went in to use the restroom when he saw an intruder. He yelled at him, shots were fired and he yelled to his wife to run. She ran to a neighbors, called 911. The intruder ran towards the school. They took the husband to the hospital where he later died. There were some witnesses so, hopefully this person will be caught!

She also mentions that there was another robbery down the street on Saturday as well a street over.


I'm still waiting on hubby and every creak in the house is scaring me crapless.

Annual Santa photo

We've been going to the same mall Santa since Joanna arrived in the US. Its amazing that its the same Santa. One of the nicest I've seen.

He was standing there stretching his legs and saw Joanna pass and waved at her. Good marketing, who knows? But it felt real and nice. Joanna wrote him a note and sat to read it to him. He never hurried us to get the picture taken and took the note and tucked it under his pillow.

It brought a smile to this here scrooge. :)

Snow! And then no snow...

We had a few minutes of excitement this morning. And there was none. Didn't even last the day. But beautiful while it was here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Getting into the season

Its that time for baking and getting together more than usual. I love it. And I hate it. For obvious reasons this year.

I was worried about what family would think about my having my mom's wheelchair at the head of the table this year. I discovered that it doesn't matter what they think about this. I want her there. As I said before, memories are not enough for me. I need visual. So, her wheelchair will make me feel better a bit.

Today Joanna and I made spice cupcakes. They came out pretty good! I also invited her cousin to spend the night with her. Joanna's in heaven right now. :)




Edited to add that its not that I don't care what my sisters think. They know her chair will be there with us. :)

I was yelled at by Joanna

And I deserved it and more.

When I was a kid, I was not social..something that I still am not. I was a reader and I liked being left alone. My sisters would do cartwheels, flip upside down on the jungle gym and were very active. Then at 10, my life changed and there was no hope for a normal childhood.

So, as an adult, I still like being left alone. I thought it would change when Joanna came into my life. I wanted things different for her. Happy childhood, in the now toys, activities, road trips, friends. But I had forgotten who I am. I spent 2 years in Mexico during her adoption. We spent the most part of the day alone. And while I missed my family, I was content to be alone with her. And she seemed happy.

Then school started and she was so shy. I blamed it on not having anyone for her to play with while in Mx. Living here, I didn't interact with anyone either. We'd go to the park and outings but, always with family or by ourselves. And I thought she was happy.

So fast forward to today. We were at my sister's and she asked if she could spend the night. I told her no because her cousins would not be there. In the car, she asked if she could spend the night at another cousin's. I said no because it was going to be a hassle picking her up the next day. She then said, "My dad doesn't play with me, you don't play with me." I replied, "that hurts my feelings." She yelled at me "Well that hurts my feelings too!" OMG, it tore me apart. I was so shocked. I I I I...and that is my problem. Too many I's that I didn't even think she was lacking anything. She was so right. "Not right now" was like a staple in my everyday vocabulary to Joanna. Tears just sprung out like they are now thinking about it again. All I could do was apologize. I called her aunt and asked if she could spend the night. She said of course, her niece was very welcome. Joanna was still sniffly. She said she didn't have any friends. I said yes she did but we didn't know them well yet. When we left she was smiling again.

On the way home, hubby didn't really get what had happened and asked what had gone on. He had been driving while on the phone. So, I repeated what she said and he busted out in tears. And we talked and both vowed it was going to be different for our little girl.

Later while running an errand, I called her to see how she was and stupidly asked if she thought I was a bad mother. She started sniffling and said yes. Another stab in the heart. I apologized again and she said her dad was bad too. And I apologized again and she said that's ok. I told her no, its not for her to be crying. She then said I was only a little bit bad.

When we were adopting her, we were sure it would be a better life for her than staying in Mexico. And I was so wrong. She ended up with two self-absored parents who have to be slapped in the face to get a clue.

It's so hard to change who you are. It will not be easy but I know that just hearing her yell at me in my head should give me the kick in the ass I need. I like to think I'm a realist. All I can say is that I'm going to try. I've tried other things that I never complete but, this is the person most precious to me in this whole world. And as a summary of this post.....I suck.

Halloween '09

Two-fer

Joanna lost a tooth while at lunch in school today and another while eating a hot dog at her school fun night. She actually pulled the second because it was already bleeding, ready to go. The school nurse put the first one in a cute little plastic tooth.

Now just waiting on the Tooth Fairy....

Our visit to the State Fair of Texas

I thought we weren't going to be able to go but, we scrounged around and made it! I didn't eat a corny dog but thought of her everytime we passed a booth. :)

Joanna was so patient and waited til the very end to get on the rides and play games. My brother and his family joined us and we wanted to see the buildings before they closed. The fair is so big, we didn't get to see everything. Joanna got to pet the goats. We were startled by this donkey who had a llama by the throat. He let go and went on his way. No idea what that was about!

The Texas Lotto show was about to start so, we sat and waited. Brother and his wife really liked it so we hung around til the 8pm show. The first contestant's number was 48 and I was in chair 49. Sigh. :P SIL got picked to pick a number and won 10 scratch-offs.

Finally we headed to the midway. Joanna was told she could get on 2 rides and play 2 games. Imagine her delight when she got to get on 4 rides!! She's such a good girl. She won two little stuffed animals too. Finally we headed home. Slept all the way there. :P See you next year, TSF!

I wish I could stop counting the days...

When we decided to take Momma off the machines. I didn't feel anything. When we gathered around her, it was unreal. I didn't feel anything. Until I heard my sister scream and then, I just lost it. It was real. I totally expected my mom's heart to beat on its own. I totally expected her to breathe on her own and be ok. My mom had been so strong all this time. It was the worst wake up call ever. My mom was gone.

Its been 8 months today. I think about her everyday. Every.day. And I'm counting them down til the 8th of every month. I don't cry as much, maybe only once a day.

I asked Sabrina if the kids talk about her? She sounded surprised I asked. She said yes, especially Michael. She said that they talk about how Nana told them stories of when she was in school and such. It made my heart jump with happiness. I know Michael was really close to her even through our trials and tribulations with him. He's got her big heart.

My thing is what I could have done? You are not suppose to live with regret but, I do. Big ones. Big big ones. My biggest one is not telling her just how much she is loved by all of us. Yeah, you could say she knew but saying it to her....I'm sorry Momma. I love you so much.

State Fair of Texas

I love the fair. Autumn begins, days are cooler and the fair is here, except...yeah, its a downer...I miss my mom.


Usually the days leading up to the fair are filled with excitement but, to tell the truth, I just about forgot today was opening day. Unbelievable.


But, we will be going and I will be seeing my mom in her scooter looking for the Fletcher's Corny Dog stands and see her betting on the Cowboys on the roulette or paying everyone's way to play a game. Loading up two corny dogs to take home...and I think I will be smiling.....thank God for memories....

The return of my nephew.

It's really weird to be on the boy's side of things. Usually its the guys being a-holes to us women.

A while back my niece called me to ask for advice on my nephew. Seems his baby's momma broke up with him and he was really upset. She gave him advice, that I felt, was pretty good since she'd been so blind herself in her relationship.

Then my nephew in Georgia had trouble in his relationship. I won't go into too much except that, to me, she was partly at fault from what I read in her myspace.

Both of my nephews have their flaws, who doesn't? But these girls...sigh....my heart was aching for the boys. But then again, it was a bit refreshing to see that there were two guys that actually felt what women usually go through. And they might learn from it or be bitter. Bitter like me. HA!

Anyway...my nephew is back in town. No telling how long. But, I guess they felt it was needed...the space... And now her status on myspace is "lonely"....sigh.

Winner of the BTFE giveaway.

This was the first winner but didn't leave an email in her comment and its not in her blogger profile so, I have to pick another. :(

Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:52
Timestamp: 2009-09-19 02:08:20 UTC

So the new winner is:

Here are your random numbers:47
Timestamp: 2009-09-19 02:13:18 UTC

Congrats to Nicole who said

The first thing I would do was turn on the tv and then get something to
eat!!

You have 48hrs to respond back with your address. Thanks for some very interesting comments!

Happy 1st Birthday

The most special day in a life is upon our own dear Phoenix. Happy 1st birthday big boy!! We love you and hopefully will get to see you soon.

Latest ups and downs of my own personal heaven and hell.

Joanna finally found sweet relief.

Cowboys won.

I miss her more than ever.

It rained and my swampy backyard was almost at our doorstep.

I won a flip camera this week at a Twitter party.

Top Chef is da bomb.

Patrick Swayze died.

My Farmville needs harvesting and I'm out of fuel.

:) :(

BTFE Back to school giveaway

Well school has been going on for awhile but who couldn't use more supplies?

Thanks again to My Blog Spark , I get to host a giveaway.

BTFE or Box Tops for Education are a way to earn money for school. Clip them off of products, send them in to your child's school coordinator and voila, you've helped them earn money. You can also go to their website and print out coupons.

My Blog Spark sent me a box with highlighters, glue sticks, binder and 2 coupons. One for Totino's Pizza Rolls and one for Pillsbury's Toaster Strudel. Both products have box tops on their packaging. And now Avery has joined in. The binder has two box tops attached to the upc. Great! The prize pack includes 14 box tops!

One lucky reader will win the following prize pack generously sponsored by My Blog Spark.



All you have to do is comment on what was the first thing you would do after school as a kid? Straight to sports, homework, TV?

Extra entries by tweeting or blogging about this giveaway. Please post a separate comment for each one you've done.

I will pick a winner using Random.org on September 18, 2009, 9:00pm CT. You have 48 hours to respond or I will have to choose another winner. The prize will be shipped by My Blog Spark.

I will not sell any emails or information given to me whatsoever.

This giveaway is only open to residents of the US, age 18 and over.

If your blog is private or you don't have a blog, you must give your email address in the comment. It is the way the winner will be contacted.

Good Luck!

Winners of my first giveaway!

Here are your random numbers:

78
16
Timestamp: 2009-09-03 04:29:44 UTC

Courtesy of random.org

Congratulations to cdziuba and Jammie!


I will be posting another giveaway in the morning. Stay tuned!

The first week of school is OVAH!

Joanna and I are night-owls. She was a dream baby. Slept all night and woke up around 10-11am. Perfect.

Except when school started. I know you can get into a sleeping habit but, its so hard!! For reals! Pre-k and kindergarten were a major struggle. We've started Joanna on a better sleep pattern but, I still am up at 4am. UGHHH

Point is, we got through week one and got to school on time without walking like zombies. Yay!

This is a BIG achievement! Only twenty thousand more weeks to go...........

Joanna and her 1st grade teacher....

My very first giveaway - Yoplait Whips!

Thanks to My Blog Spark , I was given a chance to try out Yoplait Whips! and give my review.

While I was staying in Mexico, the biggest snack ever was yogurt. At the grocery stores, there was always samples, at every corner, of every flavor. I had no idea how popular yogurt is/was.

I really never liked yogurt because of its tanginess but, I wanted a difference with my baby in her way of trying new things. She loved yogurt as a toddler, especially strawberry. Now, she always takes a cup to school with her lunch.

Well, when I went to the store yesterday, I noticed they have Chocolate Mousse. I had to give yogurt another shot. Oh wow, how yummy! So creamy and light. I finished it too fast and wanted more. Thank goodness they sent TWO coupons and I was able to get another. :) And its healthy! Something new for my diet, or lackof! :P

You can also print out a coupon for .60 off of three here:
Yoplait coupon

Additionally, right now, new members who sign-up to become subscribers of Betty Crocker's newsletter, will receive a free coupon for Yoplait Whips! **Click here to join.
**This free coupon is not valid in some states, including California, Idaho, Louisiana, Minnesota, Nevada, New Jersey, North Dakota and Tennessee.

Not only did My Blog Spark send me the 2 coupons, they also sent a really nice cooler, 12 color changing spoons and a popsicle mold for a great frozen yogurt treat. I get to give two prize packs away to two readers of my blog!

Here is what you can win:



All you have to do is post a comment about your favorite flavor of Yoplait Whips!? Or, if you've never tried Yoplait Whips!, what flavor do you intend to be your first? Do you like it frozen or slightly chilled?

If your blog is private or you don't have a blog, you must give your email address in the comment. It is the way the winner will be contacted.

I will pick a two winners using Random.org on September 2, 2009, 9:00pm CT. You have 48 hours to respond or I will have to choose another winner. The prize will be shipped by My Blog Spark.

I will not sell any emails or information given to me whatsoever.

This giveaway is only open to residents of the US, age 18 and over.

If you want extra entries, you can do any of the following and comment in a separate post what you did.

Follow me on Twitter - twitter.com/daniela6968
Blog about this giveaway and put the link in your comment.
Tweet about this giveaway and put the link in your comment.

Good luck!

EDITED TO ADD: You can only win once. If your post number comes up twice on the randomizer due to additional posts for extra chances, another number will be chosen.

MUST.GET.CAR.FIXED

OMG. Yesterday, since it was her first day, hubby went in late so we could accompany Joanna to school. I took hubby to work after that and kept the car.

Today, Joanna and I walked. Its only 6-7 mins away. BUT, anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate the heat. It was muggy! Sticky! CRAPPY! I don't care if its good for me. My legs were stinging. I arrived back home and got down to my bare essentials and laid out under the ceiling fan. Out!

And then on the way to pick her up, the wonderful aroma of sun-kissed dog poo was in the air.

PLEASE HURRY WINTER!!

First grade..

As I was saying goodnight to Joanna, I started tearing up a bit. I can't believe my baby is going into first grade. As usual, time is flying by. I wish I could go back to when she was a baby.

Family drama

I'm tired. Bone tired. What I really want is to grab these kids and give them a good shake until they open their eyes.

But, who am I to talk?

Here is a bright spot that we had a couple of weeks ago:

Cancer

July is 8 years since I had my hysterectomy due to uterine cancer. I never dwelled on it so I suppose that is why some people don't even realize or remember it was cancer. That's ok. I don't really consider myself a "cancer survivor." It was so quick, one day I'm told its cancer and the next, its gone.

I do know that my Grandmother died of ovarian cancer. I was 4 and the only memory of her passing was me sitting in a kitchen eating a plate of corn.

One of the worst memories was a nurse telling me that if I had to have cancer, uterine was the best one to have. Uhhhhh.....WTF? You've just told me I have cancer and I'm supposed to be happy that its the best one to have? Ok.

But my family was there for me. Gabino slept everynight in my room across 3 different styled chairs. The nurses were the BEST (Parkland). I even remember one "tucking" me in so gently. I wasn't allowed to leave until a certain body function happened. I remember my mom helping me with that. I apologized and she called me silly. She gave birth to me after all, and had seen my butt a million times. :)

I had about 30+ staples going down my stomach. Thankfully, the pain was never bad. 2 weeks later we were on our way to Shreveport (casinos) and I was in the back of a bumpy-ass van. :P

But, that is my experience with cancer and since I never suffered chemo or anything, I can see why some people forgot. Its all good. :)

Galveston swingin'

We are in Galveston for the weekend. After our first day, we are burnt. :)



We rode the ferry. It was Tracy's first time.

Butch fed the gulls Chips Ahoy. It was cool how they'd catch it mid-air.
Waiting for his piece.
My friend's real personality. LOL

A lot of "If only" today.

Oh man, did I miss her today. I was cutting up potatoes and listening to Juanes. Crying. Thinking if only she had eaten better, if only I had paid attention more closely. If only, if only......

If only she were here.

5 months

Its still so unreal. I still find myself wanting to tell her news. A new show on TV, something Joanna did....

When I pass by the dialysis place, I can see her in her wheelchair waiting for me. And the tears come.

Our road trip

We headed out on Wednesday 12am. First stop was a night stay in Lawrenceville. Then we arrived at Clayton, GA to visit Gabriel and his family. OMG, pics don't do Phoenix justice. What a cutie patootie. And Gabriel's in-laws are so gracious. He looks happy and I'm happy for him.

Then that night we arrived at Carla's sister's house iMt. Airy, NC. What a house!! We stayed in the finished basement which is like a whole house itself. They were very nice too. A poodle that I wish I could have dognapped!! Love ya Miya!
Next day we went to visit Carla's mom in Ararat, VA. What a nice lady. Very nice.

We went to Pilot Mountain Park. It was a little hazy but nice all in all. I had no idea I was leaning on a rail that had a family of spiders!!! If it had been Michael, I'm sure he would have jumped over the rails and rather have risked death. Ughhhh!!

On our last day, we went to Mabry Mills off the Blue Ridge Parkway. So beautiful. Picnic'd and went back to stay one last night.

It was a long nice trip but a little hard on the kids.

I think next trip will be to Oregon to visit Gabino's cousin. I heard its way nice up there. :)

"

Another toofus is gone

She was eating a sandwich and freaked with all the blood. I have to admit, I thought it wouldn't stop! She woke up to $3 buckaroos this morning. The cost of living WAY up from when I was a kid!

Catching up, kinda.

Road Trip!

We are planning on going to Ararat, VA with my good friend Carla. She wants to visit her mom. We are going to make a stop at Gabriel's in Georgia!! I get to see that cutie pie Phoenix in person!

Michael and his gf and baby will house/dog/cat sit for us. He is thrilled. Free cable, food, internet and a/c for a week. I almost don't want to leave! Haha!

I'm not ready!!

Joanna is a girly girl. She loves her skirts. She loves to twirl in them. She is dying to wear makeup and thinks burps are gwoss.

She is really good on waiting for her turn. She asks me if makeup is for big people. And she's happy with the answer. I never wear it. Just am not in the habit.

For my birthday, I did put some on and she was so thrilled. I even painted my nails on my left hand and let her do my right. I told her that when school was out, I would paint her nails. But only for summer. It might seem innocent to some and not a biggie but, she's moving to fast for me. Asking to go to the mall, wanting to wear frilly clothes.....it scares me!

School is out and guess what I woke up to? A bottle of nail polish by my face. Oh my baby...I painted her nails and she was so damn happy.

I'm scared!!!!!!

Starting again

My friend took me to the clinic she works at last night. I haven't been feeling well. I felt my sugar must be sky high.

We had just come back from shopping when she arrived to take me. I told Joanna I was going to the doctor for medicine and she was to stay with her daddy. She totally freaked out. Ruby told me to take her with me, so I did.

While there, they stuck me and then drew blood. I asked Joanna if she wanted to look or turn away. Almost devilish grin, she wanted to look. Which is better because she's so scared of everything. Later she told me that she was scared because she thought I was going to be in the hospital. I guess her Nana is on her mind.

Dr. said sugar high, gave me pills and advice. I already know all that but, how do I get it in my brain to care? How can I be so selfish when I have Joanna? What kind of kick in the ass do I need?

So today I took my pills. I made tea with Splenda. I glanced at the cake I made but didn't get a piece. I ate breakfast. Later in the evening, we will walk Harley together. I am going to try. Again. I love my daughter. I want to be with her forever.

A memorable Memorial Day.

Whew.

We are finally alone with our messy house. I love me some family but, its nice to be alone with your own.

My one true love.

A sign?

I've been feeling so guilty. I have been feeling like I'm leaving my mom behind. This new place has no memories of her. They're in my head but that doesn't help.

We finally finished moving everything last night. Her room was so white. I could see in the carpet her path. I could see where she had her feet everyday by the computer.

As I was on the floor packing and crying, I got to a notebook she wrote poems in. Dated 1987. The very first page was a poem called "To Daniela" It was the twist to my heart. But, do I take it as a sign that she is happy for me or as a sign that she thinks I will forget her? The last line is telling me not to forget her. I never will, that is for sure.

Yes, I am depressed. Its so hard to get out of it. The guilt is killing me even though I know there is nothing I can do now. I have so many regrets as to how I dealt with things.

We are going on a road trip tonight. Groom, TX. Where there is a 180' cross surrounded by life sized statues of the trial of Jesus. She had written us three suggesting that we take that trip. I usually save her emails but, I can't find this one. So we are going in honor of her for her birthday. She will be accompanying us too. I never thought this would happen and I still don't understand how to live through it.

Happy Birthday Momma!

I love you.