Another punch in the gut!

Gabino just came in with a letter offering a voluntary separation package. We just put a freaking offer on a house. OMFG

Letter says there will later be involuntary reductions.

I am going to be sick.

Self Pity Party

Not a good day today. It started with my Aunt J calling last night. She busted out which made me bust out and today's been really emotional.

We were house hunting before Momma got sick. Every house we looked at, we'd say where a ramp would go and which would be Momma's room. And now....

I was driving down the street writing down addresses and got so damn sad. I'm supposed to be grateful that she's not suffering anymore and is with Ama and Apa. Surrounded by love and light. Supposed to be.

Last night Joanna said that if she is crying and I didn't yell at her, its because she's crying for her Nana. :( She's such a good girl. Thankfully, other than that statement, she's a happy girl. Her chongos and hugs make it a little better for me.

Thank you God for Joanna.

Alone

Yesterday was the first time I've been alone since my momma passed. Joanna went to school and Gabino went back to work. I slept the day away. I guess I didn't want to face it. I only got up in time to pick Joanna up from school.

I go into my mom's room and sigh. I have no desire whatsoever to touch or move anything. Her half drunk Diet Coke is still sitting there. Oh God.

I just want to go to sleep.

I think Joanna is the only thing keeping me from cracking.

Come to Me

Come To Me
by: Unknown

God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you
and whispered, "Come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away,
and although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
he only takes the best.

April 29, 1945 - February 8, 2009

She was born on a Sunday...

so she will rest on a Sunday. We've decided to take everything off. If God is listening to me, she will wake up and cuss us out for having her sleep for so long. If God is listening to me, he will give us more time with her. And if God decides otherwise, he will help me understand it all and help me from going crazy.

I find myself still feeling all this is unreal. Its not happening. I see her in the hosptital bed and not feel her leaving us. You can't see anything from the outside. This tube will just come out and she'll be ok. And then I leave her and I remember something about her or see her face in my mind and I start crying.

As ugly as it sounds, this would be easier if she were brain dead. But, she's not. The nurse explained to us what is/will happen. They will take off the IVs, the breathing tube and give her lots of morphine to keep her comfortable. Depending on how fast her pressure keeps up, it will take 1-2hrs for her to pass. The pressure will lower, her heart will slow down til it stops. I just might snap when it does. I say this now because, I really don't know how I will survive this. I know the world goes on and other people have experienced this but, how in the hell does a person live without their momma? HOW???????????

God help us all. God help me.

I'm in denial

I'm sitting here at my mom's computer and not feeling anything. She's coming back. She's getting better.

But that is not the case. Her dr is going to meet with us tomorrow at 1pm. We are going to ask him what is going to happen. Today he tells me that she's got more fluid in her lungs and are going to try to pull it out. I asked him if they took the tube out, what will happen. He said she will die. And because she told him she only wanted 30 days on it, he says they will give her morphine so she will not feel anything. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. I just want to know if this is something that will be slow or is it pointless?

When I went to see her, she was the most awake I've seen her. I asked her if she could hear me and when she nodded yes, I busted out in tears. I was so happy to see her respond. I think the weekend nurses suck. She was doped the whole weekend and it was hard to see her with her eyes open and just there.

I had to leave early because Joanna didn't go to school today. She's running a fever and even though her father is off today, he's useless. TO BE TOTALLY HONEST.

Last night I was going to the store and I imagined my mom sitting next to me in the van and I busted out. I regret so much. So damn much.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who met my mom loves her sense of wicked humor, her online buddies would call for advice or jokes. Belinda has kept in touch with them and they've written prayers for my mom. We need her here. Please, Dios, oye me. Por favor no te la lleves de nosotros. La necitamos tanto. Tanto tanto tanto.

Asking for forgiveness.

Gabino told me that in one of the times he saw my mom, he asked her for forgiveness for anything he may have done.

I won't be doing that. I deserve whatever torment I may be in for whatever I may have done. I won't ask for forgiveness to soothe my soul but, I will apologize. I will say I'm sorry for any and all pain I may have given her.

Her dialysis dr says basically one step forward, two steps back. Now she has an infection. They took all lines out to get cultures to pinpoint where its coming from. And they changed the central line and the catherer is now in her thigh. Belinda had mentioned that she was told by someone that after 2 weeks, they put a trach in place of the breathing tube. Dr. says depends on situation.

I got to figure out one thing she was trying to say. She had her hand like scratching something and after naming all body types, I got to head and she nodded yes. Yay!!

I told my mom that Joanna drew a picture for her and she made a grimace. I asked her if she was crying and she nodded yes.

Joanna got to see her afterwards. She had drawn a picture for her and bought her a "nana angel" pin and I did want her to see that we gave them to Nana. Belinda had to point out another kid that was allowed to go back there, so they said Joanna could too. I think Joanna finally realized how real this is and she cried tears later for her Nana.

One of the things that make me so sad is she says she sees me but, her gaze is straight on. I don't get that. And she doesn't close her eyes all the way...

Oh my momma, I love you so much. Please come back to us.

God, please listen to me?

Causes of low blood pressure due to heart disease

Weakened heart muscle can cause the heart to fail and reduce the amount of blood it pumps. One common cause of weakened heart muscle is the death of a large portion of the heart's muscle due to a single, large heart attack or repeated smaller heart attacks.

What she was so proud of, is hurting her. One thing that was always normal for her was her blood pressure. She was quick to point it out to the drs.

And now she needs medicine to keep it up.

I need my momma. I want to hear her again. I want to make eggs for her!! I want to hear her cuss out the Cowboys (Romo). I want to play poker and hear her whine that she's losing as she puts another ante in because she is the gambler in all three of us. I want to take her to the Grand Canyon she wants to see even with her fear of heights.

But, if she's hurting, then, God knows what is better for her even if I don't agree with it.

I need my momma, I want my momma. Please, God?

With my own eyes

I saw she's not ready to have her blood pressure meds decreased. It was 65/38 when I walked in. The nurse replaced the empty bag and right away her bp rose. In 3min it went to 128/50. Sigh.

Scruff is in town.

Gabriel made it in last night from Georgia. I can't believe Michael is taller than him!

Just saw the cardiologist. All he said is she was SLOWLY getting better. The pulmonaryist (sp?) said her heart was so borderline. Barely pumping.

When I'm at home, I find myself making mental notes to tell my mom some chisme. Habit! That i want to keep.

Joanna wants to see her but, the nurse said no. :(

It could of been us they were talking to...

but, it was another family in here. Dr. was explaining that the patient had very little hope and would probably not be here in the next 30 min. It could of been us.

I left at 4:30am and got up late to take Joanna to school. Miranda was already up here. Belinda saw the Dr. and he says there is hope. Her lungs look much better. It all depends on her heart, depends on how strong it will be....

They're going to start weaning her off the blood pressure medicine.

I went in there to see her and she flexed her fingers. My favorite nurse said she could hear me because her pressure was low and when I was talking to momma, it was raising to a normal level.

I guess that means she heard my promise to make her eggs everyday without groaning. I will be more than happy to fulfill that promise forever. Forever.

Perspectives.

My mom had another heart attack. Stubborn, stubborn woman. Fluid build up makes the heart pump faster and overworked its already weak self.

She had dialysis and I'm heading back to the hospital now.

She won't be missing any days anymore. That's for damn sure.


She's on a breathing machine. She has asked for DNR but, changed her mind when she was having trouble breathing. But, she told them that if it lasts for more than a month, take her off.

no fucking way.

He has a big thingy...

So, we're watching Mamma Mia for the millioneth time and its at the part where they sing "Lay All Your Love on Me" when.......

Joanna, "He has a big thingy."

Mouth hanging open, "What big thingy?"

Showing the guy from the chest up, she says, "Hold on, they'll show it."

I'm swallowing hard and they show him full body.

"There, that thingy...its bad that he's smoking that."

Sighing with relief as I see the cigar in the guy's hand, "Oh yeah, that is bad."

I just aged and grew some grey hairs. :O

Oops, we did it again!

We made it! 11 years ago at 2:15pm, we said "I do." What we do, that's another story and probably not was meant to do.

But, we have made it. And we're panting like we ran a freaking marathon. But, we've both said that its not over and I guess that's good. :)

Happy New Year!

It is also Victoria's birthday. She's turned 14! She is Michael's little sister.



The way our little sister visited us...by phone.





Joanna's favorite cousin...well, a tie between her and Nathalie!





A rare photo of Victoria smiling. :)




And...my family. Gabino, Joanna and I wish you all a very happy new year. Que Dios los bendiga a todos!

I'm sick...arghhh

Not how I wanted to enter the new year.

We had a looooooong week. Christmas Eve we spent at SIL's house with hubby's side of the family. He always acts a fool there because they think he's hilarious. Yeah. We spent the night and at 8am went to Dallas Tortilla to buy the tamales for my side of the family. We wait for 30min when he announces that they are out! 1hr wait more. We head to Grand Prairie and they are closed. Back to Oak Cliff...it was not that full and the guy ahead of the line said he's been there a hour waiting patiently. One hour later the line starts moving. I tell hubby to get half the order so it won't seem so large. 14 dozen is what we needed. So he gets his 6 and I get my 8. The lady behind me says she wants 4...1 hour wait, he shouts! My bad! I hurried out of there. LOL

So we finally arrive at Beli's. Ate like there was no tomorrow. Then we played poker. I came out $15 ahead. Went to bingo later that evening and lost $30.

Friday, we go to Carmen's. We spent the night watching the worst movie EVER...The Last Winter. OMG, I told Isidro I would pay him to throw it away!

Then on Saturday we sat around watching Lifetime. I never watch Lifetime. Its like reading those True Story mags my sister loves so much. Then while fooling around reading Craigslist, I see a listing for a 14.8 cubic feet chest freezer for $100. OMG, we bought one half that size for double the price! So Carmen wants it...she's had her 5cf for 17yrs. We go home instead of spending the night...wanted my own bed. Sunday we join up with them and they get the freezer in Ft.Worth. She emptied hers and it barely filled the bottom of the freezer. Yay~

So I call Tia Julia because we are supposed to go to their house and she says she's making Mole....nooooooo, we are gonna take them out. Applebee's it is.

Carmen gets Isidro to take her. Party of 11. OMG, my steak dinner was so good...and too little!!

On to home, its midnight and I'm so glad hubby's driving.

Monday morning........SICK!~~!~!!@!!@#r$^%&^^$#%$$^%&^^$#@@!!


And here we are.

Dirty house and I'm hosting New Year's Eve. Arghhh......someone kick me in the butt!

Happy Holidays!

Happy 18th Birthday Michael!

Not a recent photo but, one of the sweetest ones there is of you. :)




Oh Michael....

I'm not your momma but, I love you so much, it hurts. As the old saying goes, I only want what is best for you.

It was so damn hard not to let you come back to our home. But, I am really glad you and your mom have settled a bit. I know there are still flare ups but, less. Right?

Wow, Michael, 18!!

I pray for you, Michael. I pray that you see the light and it shows you the road that will be right for what you need to do. Please give lots of thoughts in choosing the way. Whether it be to join the Navy like you've been talking about or staying in school to try to finish, I will support your decision because its all you now and you alone in command of your life.

All my love to you, Michael.

Working again again

When I previously posted that I was working...it lasted a week. Sales were down and it was not enough to keep 2nd shift open.

But, they won this weekend and I was called yesterday to come back. I immediately said yes. After I hung up, I realized 8hrs of making freaking boxes. GROAN!!

Ces't la vie!